Parenting in the midst of Chaos and Patriarchy

Notes from the trenches...

This weekend, after another endlessly circling conversation about why I will not let my 16 year old son ride with a friend who only has a provisional driving license, I was struck by something. What I was feeling was very similar to what my son had been expressing to me. He was close to tears and so very frustrated because I won't let him do what all his friends are allowed to do. And I was so frustrated and sad and feeling so alone as the only parent who was willing to maintain this rule.

I'm a full grown adult. I’ve been privileged by my race and my class and by my parents’ insistence that education was the most important thing they could give to their 8 children. I was lucky to find the help I needed and smart enough to grab it with both hands so I could sift through the generational abuse and bad parenting to embrace the core values and the thread of love-despite-everything which they passed on to me. So I sat with those feelings and it was itchy and miserable. It brought me back to so many times in my parenting journey that I have felt alone and unsure and sad. 

I wanted those other parents to think and act like me…just as fiercely as my son wanted me to act like them…so he could do the same things their kids could do…Wow!
Both my kiddo and I were pining for a group to fit into. We just wanted to belong.

Supportive community is a deep human need. For much of our collective history, only a rare human could survive without it. With this revelation, I felt so much compassion for myself and for my son. I was taking a rather lonely stand on what I believed was right and I was asking him to step up to being different from his friend group. We were both uncomfortable. As I pondered this, I suddenly felt released from needing other parents to agree with how I parented my kid. I had a visceral awareness of how much mental energy I had been putting into being clear about our family rules while bending over backwards to be diplomatic. Because, of course, I never want anyone to feel like I’m judging them or telling them how to parent! I don’t want to make things needlessly complicated for my kid. And I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable! WAIT! WHAT??!!!

Over 30 years of working with people has shown me the incredible value of being able to tolerate discomfort. I have supported countless students and clients as they worked their way through every variety of physical, emotional and spiritual pain. I have held space for them to breathe and witness their own distress and I have noticed that they survived. Far more significantly, I have witnessed that they grew in beautiful and immeasurable ways, gaining resilience and compassion and reclaiming their agency. Had I not been able to walk into all the myriad levels of discomfort I had locked up inside me, I would not be the sane and happy person that I am today. I would not have survived to trust myself to become a parent.

I am just beginning to write about parenting but for now, I just need to say this:
Every time you give in because your kid is badgering you, you are giving them the message that all they have to do is keep pushing and you will eventually say yes.
The longer you hold out to the badgering before giving in, the more that message is reinforced. Giving in is easier in the short term but it makes your life harder in the long term and it is bad for your kids. I say this specifically to my fellow parents of teenage boys:

Don't you think we have enough young white men who don't know how to take no for an answer?

I hear you that it is difficult to see your kids upset. It can be really hard to hear their worry that they can't keep up with their friends, their fear of missing out on what seems incredibly important to them. It can be brutal hearing someone you love tell you that you are ruining their life. But what if you could take a breath, feel your feet on the ground and just be there with your kid and their feelings? What if you didn’t argue, give advice, explain your position or walk away? What if you just noticed your own breathing and wiggled your toes to calm your body while staying right there with your kid?

The message you’re sending here is: I see you and I’m hearing you. Feelings are important messages from your body and your feelings deserve my attention and yours.
You are giving your kid space to pause and de-escalate. You are also modelling the very valuable skill of noticing when feelings are hijacking an interaction and pausing to breathe and ground yourself. Every time you give your kid (and yourself) permission to pause in the middle of a stressful situation and take a breath, you are reinforcing that behavior. We could all use more of that behavior.

When you give in and backtrack on rules because your kid is upset, you are choosing not to be curious about why it is so important to them to get you to change your mind. You’re missing the chance to notice how much energy they are putting into arguing with you about this particular issue. You are also giving the message that you will say yes if they get upset, even if it's something to which you've consistently said no. And that also gets reinforced every time. Teenagers have a vastly different perspective than the average parent, who has a much larger range of experiences to draw from. Stress and anxiety, heightened by hormonal changes in a rapidly changing body, can shorten their sense of time and make everything feel urgent.

I believe my son when he says that my rules impact his friendships. I ask him to tell me about that. I acknowledge all of his feelings, including that he believes I’m ruining his life, by at least saying “I hear you”. When he talks about being left out because everyone else can drive places that he cannot, I say “I’m sorry, that sounds really hard”. Sometimes, I point out that his friend will have a full legal licence in 2 months or that he will have his own driving license soon. When he tells me that is a really long time or that I just don’t understand, I accept that.

I admit to not understanding how he feels or what his experience is like.
And then I ask him to help me understand because I’m interested in helping him navigate this situation.
I ask him if he wants to hear some ideas on ways to do that.
And I only offer that if he says yes.
If his response to my suggestions is “you don’t get it” or “there’s nothing you can do”, I accept that.
I leave lots of space for him.

Sometimes, all I can say is “I understand that you don’t like this but I’m doing my job as your parent and that’s important to me. So I’m OK if you don’t like my rules and I’m OK if you’re mad at me. That’s part of being a parent”
The first time I said this to my older son, it completely changed the chemistry of our conversation. He had been very upset and he paused to take that in and he really heard me. It came from somewhere deep inside me because I was stumped for anything left to say and it surprised me that this had gotten his attention.

He was in his Senior year of high school and planning to go away to University. I reminded him that there wouldn’t be a parent there to notice when he got home at night or if he was eating well and taking care of himself. I told him that I wanted to do all I could to help him make good decisions now because I wouldn’t be living with him and seeing him every day next year. That conversation took so much heat out of our relationship during his last year at home.

Every time you give your kid (and yourself) permission to pause in the middle of a stressful situation and take a breath, you are reinforcing that behavior. We could all use more of that behavior.

Developmentally, it is a teenager’s job to push against boundaries as they experiment with independence so they need structure and boundaries now more than ever. This is true even, and especially if, they are telling you otherwise. As my wise older sister said to me when my first son was 16: Can you imagine how terrifying it feels to push against the structures that have been around you for your whole life, providing guidance and safety, and then to realize that they are not there anymore and that you are in charge?

Can you also imagine having everything inside of you changing at the same time, physically, hormonally, emotionally? While being surrounded by dozens or maybe hundreds of other kids experiencing the same? Now add the pressure of figuring out what you’ll do when school is over and then pile on the endless loop of social media and news. When I see teenagers in my practice, simply offering acknowledgement of this is so welcomed. Our teenagers are saturated with information because they are growing up as the generation more connected to phones and media than any other to date. They are often so much more articulate than their predecessors and can debate like champions but deep down, like all of us, they mostly just want to be seen and heard.

The most loving thing you can do for your teenagers is to provide structure and boundaries. As your child ages and situations change, rules will change but your standards and values should remain consistent. And rules shouldn’t change in response to your child's tears or tantrums or badgering. Remember that a teenager’s job is to push against parenting and a parent’s job is to hold firm and loving boundaries for them to push against. Offer your teenager a time when you are both calm to discuss whatever rules they are unhappy with. Invite them to do research to support their opinions. When you do meet, ask them how they would handle this if they were the parent. Model the behavior you want to see in them.

When their father and I divorced, my boys were 3 and 8 and life was pretty chaotic as we all settled into our new normal. Early on, I had taught them how to speak up and negotiate for what they wanted. I believe this is an important life skill and it helped them to feel empowered during that time when their lives were so deeply shaken up. As they grew older and more articulate and started to push harder for what they wanted, I learned to say “I understand what you’re asking for but I don’t have the information/time/brainspace to make a good decision now so give me a minute/hour/day. If you absolutely need a decision right now, the answer is no.”

Parents, there is always time to take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are the adult. You are the parent. If you feel overwhelmed or unsafe, acknowledge that. Take a step back and notice the space around you. We can all get disconnected from our rational minds when emotions come to the surface. Notice whatever you are feeling and breathe it out. Give yourself permission to ask for help if you need it. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend or family member, your doctor or therapist, your co-parent if you have one. Your kid’s school or local library may offer resources or help for parents. You are not alone.

In my practice, I often remind a parent that every age your kid arrives at has the potential to stir up any unfinished business you may have leftover from when you were that age. This can complicate your ability to remember that you are the grown up. It is also a powerful opportunity to heal those parts of yourself and let go of the baggage you have been carrying around. That makes more space inside of you to connect with your wisdom and experience. A simple way to begin is to remind yourself that your own teenage years are over and that you have lived through it all. Say this aloud a few times and notice how it feels. Notice any changes in your body. Breathe and repeat as often as feels useful.

The most loving thing you can do for your teenager is to provide structure and boundaries. The other most loving thing you can do for your children is to take care of yourself. Take up space and make time for what supports and nourishes you. Show your teenager that you plan to be OK when it is time for them to leave home. Be curious about the choices you are making as a parent. Ask yourself how the experience of parenting feels to you right now. How does the role of parent fit into the rest of your life? How has your parenting changed now that you have a teenager? There are no right or wrong answers and all feelings are valid information.

Parenting is deeply hard work and can be thankless, exhausting, infuriating and boring. Thank you for reading all the way to the end and for allowing me to make you a little bit, or a lot, uncomfortable.

I believe that you love your kids, even when you hate them.
I believe that you are being the best parent you can, with the tools you have, right now.
I believe in you.